I was in my subterranean consumer chamber the other day, watching the TV, listening to the radio, reading a magazine, and browsing the internet. And I kept seeing (and hearing, and reading) all these ads for some beer. And guess what? That beer? It’s COLD. It’s colder than all other beers, because this beer was brewed inside a FREEZER in the MOUNTAINS by INUITS that were genetically engineered in a lab in ANTARCTICA that was kept at ABSOLUTE ZERO and run by POLAR BEAR GENETICISTS.

Fuck your fancy “Euro-pean” stuff. Fuck your “drinkability”, man. Does your shit TASTE AS COLD AS A PENGUIN’S TAINT? I think not.